Where I come from, depression is just an excuse.
Not for me, I realised that something was terribly wrong with me, when I found myself alone in my room and thinking what would happen if I disappeared into nothingness all of a sudden. I had this constant craving of running away.
There are millions who went through hundred times more pain than I did. That was what I used to tell myself, to convince myself that I had a far more better life than them. However, this did not help me. Nothing helped me at that time. I used to break into tears out of nothing and lost interest in literally everything. There was never a time when I felt sick of studying and moreover, sick of doing what most interests me, cooking. I disconnected with my closest friends and just talked to selected few people which includes my mother and my sister. Sometimes, when they used to share their stress with me, I had silent tears running down my eyes. I wanted to tell them that I cannot bear anymore. I wanted to make them understand how I was feeling but I knew, they had gone through far more stress and struggles than I did. I had to pretend to be strong enough to show my support and was very careful not to hurt them in any way.
As the time passed by and the semester was crawling towards finals, I was almost giving up.
Until one day, while trying to do my assignment at uni with this massive headache, which was an everyday thing for me at that time, I decided to fight this hollow feeling inside me. I knew, that my pain, whatever it was for, it was real. At that instant, I did two things:
- Contact student support to find a solution about my problem with studies.
- Open up a blog to share my thoughts, just to divert my mind into something.
And that changed the usual pattern of my daily life.
This was the trigger, which slowly brought me back my strength.
With each like and comment, I got a massive amount of happiness and a feeling of achievement which I did not feel for a very long time. And the change slowly crept in.
I started making some changes which did not seem to be significant at that time like buying two new books which completely changed my perspective.
- I forced myself to pray which helped me spiritually to regain my inner peace.
- I started to work out at the gym or at home.
- Set up some goals to achieve by next year.
- Cut out all those things that was stressing me out.
- Decided to go on a long break back in my country, to my parents.
Slowly, those changes brought some new changes and thus, here I am.
Now, let me share the good things that came across in my life after the struggles:
- I regained my confidence in me.
- I started taking care of myself.
- I got the concentration back in my studies.
- I started reaching out to those friends I cut out from my life.
- I slightly opened up with my family regarding my depression.
- and many more…
Lastly, I will not blame anyone for my depression. This did not happen in one day, a month or a year. It was building up for years and was hiding behind my portrayal of confidence and strength. It did not happen because of someone’s insecurities or the weight of studies.
It was born and has been growing, ever since I stopped looking at myself.