It’s been long since I have written in Thoughts and Pretzels. Since I came back from home, it took a while to adapt again to Sydney’s life. It was very difficult this time as I spent a lot of time back at home. I had a lot of time but still felt separated from my thoughts.
I remember, when I created Thoughts And Pretzels it was only to share my thoughts which I felt supressed to express in the real world and to the people around me. I had this heavy weight in my chest which I desperately wanted to give out. I prayed, communicated to Allah and wrote out each feeling here in this blog. It might seem stupid and naïve to people who are experts but this is the only thing which makes me feel lighter, which makes me feel my existence.
The only reason I suppressed my feelings and thoughts from people close to me because they seemed never to understand me, or maybe I never understood myself, only Allah knows. However, when I write here, everything seems clear to me. But I have not written here for long and somehow it seems to me that I have created a distance between me and expressing my thoughts. I feel as if, they are safest inside me. I am now afraid of sharing it to the real world which I previously used to do. I used to link every blog posts to the Facebook page of Thoughts and Pretzels. I had two reasons for that, I wanted to reach my thoughts out to people whose thoughts were like mine and so that my younger sisters take my feelings and what I went through as a lesson in their life, so that they do not make the same mistakes. Sadly, I will stop linking to Facebook from today and this is because it might go to the wrong eyes and they might use my weaknesses against me.
I have written about my depression in my last blogs. I wrote that I found a cure to my depression by praying and sharing my thoughts here. But deep inside, what I think is that, I think it just created an outer image of me who hides everything and shows to the world that I am okay but deep inside there is still exists that depressed me, who got used to the suppressed feelings, who got used to the fact that no one will ever understand my feelings and those who pretends to understand, does so, to know my weaknesses to later attack me with it, or trap me in a false blame.
I live in a constant fear of being poked for things I have not done. That is why now, I found solace in silence.